my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I will be naked everywhere
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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