I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
