Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
