It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
