You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
