theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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