its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
