I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
