the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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