Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
