Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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