Will you blow on my dice?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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