Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
