Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
