dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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