she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
