Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
