I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
