So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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