i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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