She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just found a bag of teeth...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i believe in u and ur pee
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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