I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
