i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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