I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
zippers are such a cool invention
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
