we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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