there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm just crazy horny about you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
