No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
