On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize