Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All the doctor said was why
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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