Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
