i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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