I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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