Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
