Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
