He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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