there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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