Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
