i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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