My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They have beer where we have blood.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
