broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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