Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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