I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize