You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
