if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can I color on your dick again?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
