i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Couch. On fire.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
