i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
