everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
