alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
