Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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