dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
