grandma shit on top of the toilet
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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