so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
