I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
