I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
tell me about the eggs
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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