pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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