if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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