Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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