my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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