i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
